I have to admit, I did get angry at first, and I did go a little bonkers. I wasn't totally with it. I started reaching out to people. I started hiding from the world. I switched between both ideas. I went through the stages of grief. Some of it was easy because I felt that the person I married never really existed. Some of it was difficult, because the person I married never really existed. There was a lot of confusion, and sleep-deprivation didn't help.
Every morning I woke up to a smiling face, and my instincts as a mom said to give her one back - so I did. We had fun. I made homemade baby food. We played games. I spoiled her ridiculously because I never wanted her to feel a lack of anything. I worried about her growing up. I felt part of me hurt inside when I read her stories about "mommy & daddy" or saw that on tv. I wondered what it would be like for her. I wished things were better for her. But things were great. She had Grandma and Grandpa and Mommy all together, and her Aunt and Uncle and all sorts of family and friends.
My friends are amazing. Again, I have the most amazing friends. They sent me so much love and support. And they shared their stories with me and their personal struggles, and a lot of them came from single parent homes and turned out to be the most wonderful people I knew, so I knew Kylie would be fine. She was clever and smart and growing and surrounded by love. Tonnes of love.
I threw myself into motherhood. And then sometimes I was incredibly alone. I felt abandoned, even with all my family and friends around me. I also pined for the dreams of family and home and contentment I had always wanted. They seemed impossible now.
As for work, I had no idea what to do. I couldn't imagine going back to New York with a 4 month old, finding a nanny, trying to get a job and doing it alone, with no savings to work with. My agents were very supportive - they kept submitting for me and I flew to New York and LA and auditioned for a few things, but none of it panned out. I wasn't very focused either. I wasn't sure how I would manage it if I actually DID land a job somewhere and had to make a new home with a baby by myself. I focused on Kylie mostly, and I'm glad I did. I made a decision to just be her mom.
When Kylie was just a year old, I was asked to do Les Miserables again in St. Louis with some of my old castmates. My mom agreed to come with me - and it was only for 3 weeks, so we did it. It felt good to perform. It felt good to earn a paycheque. But it felt strange to leave my little girl in a strange corporate apartment with my poor mom dragged along for the ride. Kylie is a great traveler and real adventurer, so she loved the trips. She adapted quickly, and as long as she had Mommy and Grandma, she was happy. And the Backyardigans.
Kylie in the Rehearsal Studio in St. Louis.
Shortly after that, I went down to San Diego to do Thoroughly Modern Millie at the Welk Theatre for 4 months. Mom came too. We drove down with Kylie and stayed at a Holiday Inn for 4 months with a 14 month old. We went to Disneyland a lot. Kylie had her first Halloween Trick or Treating experience in a hotel hallway, but she knew the fellow Millie cast members' doors she knocked on. She was spoiled rotten again.
Kylie's hotel home for 4 months.
I came back to Vancouver with a little bit of money in the bank again, and a more realistic picture of a performing career as a mom. Grandma wasn't going to come with me and become my live-in nanny. This was going to be very hard. I was going to have to find a new way to do this.
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