It's really who you are inside.

Since I haven't yet fallen asleep, I'm still within my deadline.  2/2. Go me.

What happens when you are totally stoked for the first day of Spring Break with your daughter and then remember you have an audition?  New schedule.  No writing.  That's about it.

My thoughts today are about someone I grew up with for a short time.  Someone I went to school with, who will remain unnamed.  Anyway, the point of this is probably guilt, but also it's realizing and forgiving myself for being too young & inexperienced to articulate at the time why things happened the way they did.

I went to school with a girl who had a disability.  It was fine.  She had difficulties with speech, was in a wheelchair, and struggled to fit in and find real friends.  That stuff didn't bother me one bit.  I was always okay with people however they were made - in fact, that should be present tense.  I am okay with everyone.

Because it was school, and kids are cruel, and I don't like mean people anyway, I made a special point of making this girl feel a part of things.  I would volunteer to be her partner in class.   I would sit with her at lunch.  I would go out of my way to include her in all the groups, stand up for her when kids got nasty, and just do my bit like everyone should.  Not that she deserved special treatment, but she just deserved to not feel left out, like we all deserve regardless.

Anyway, after a few months of this, I started to realize something awful.   She wasn't a nice person.  Disability or not, she was unkind.  Her favourite thing to do was to belittle others and make fun of people behind their backs.  Granted, maybe she was acting out - maybe she was repeating what she had experienced or wanted to beat them to it, but all the same, she was mean.  Not only that, she stole.  She'd take things (remember, this was school) like someone's favourite eraser and then claim it was always hers and argue to keep it - even going so far as to hide it in a vice-like grip - when everyone already knew it wasn't.  She had nothing nice to contribute. She was very intelligent and would laugh at people who gave wrong answers and talk down to them to their faces, telling them they were just "too stupid" to know.

I was a bit shocked and totally flummoxed.  My immature schoolgirl brain didn't know what to do with this one, so I picked avoidance.  I just stopped volunteering to be her partner.  I stopped sitting with her at lunch.  I stopped making contact at all because I didn't know how to deal with a situation like that.  I knew it looked like I was cutting her off.  I was.  Her Teacher Aide even asked me to start hanging out with her again, but I refused, and I was greeted with such hostility by this grown-up, who probably thought now that I was a bully.  But I wasn't.  I didn't say or do anything against her.  I just cut her off.  Which, in retrospect, was pretty mean without explanation, but the whole situation was so awkward for a girl like me at that age.

She moved away within that year (nothing to do with her school treatment) and then it was easier.  I didn't feel the pull of guilt when I avoided her eye contact when the teacher asked us to choose partners or the bell rang for lunch.

Now that I'm grown, I can easily find what I should've said.  But back then, I felt trapped. A victim of my good intentions.  "No good deed goes unpunished", as they say.

A person is a person, no matter what body they've been put into, no matter what hardships, no matter what strife, tortures, good fortune &/or luck they've had along the way.  And it really is what's inside that counts.  If she had been kind, friendly, or even non-committal, I would've carried on for the rest of our school year.  The fact that she was cruel, cutting and even a bold thief did not become suddenly forgiven because of her disabilities.  What a strange little life lesson to learn.  I wonder sometimes what happened to her.  Did she ever become a warm person?  Was it all due to the way she had been treated up until then?  Was there a turning point for her?

How strange to think that sometimes the people who appear to need help and reassurance the most, might actually be the ones we need rescuing from.  It really is what's inside that counts.  I hope she is somewhere, just like me, a little older and wiser and looking back at that time with a much clearer eye, and a loving heart.

Told ya so.

Remember when I said I was going to try to post regularly on a blog?  Hahaha.

Anyway, I'm setting myself a goal to write a blog post a day (unreachable? WHATEVER) for the next month at least, because I am trying to revamp my writing skills.  I honestly don't care if anyone reads it - I just need to be accountable so I can force myself to get back to what I've always loved, writing.  In at least one form.  More to come.

Having said that, I have to admit that a blog post A DAY is a bit daunting, so I apologize in advance for my topics and also the inane-ness that may suddenly enter the electric ether.

So, here I am on my birthday - still in my 30s! - but getting close, and I'm starting with my first post in FOREVER.  And since I really don't have a topic in mind, I'll just write about what's happening: joy.

j o y !

(maybe that should be in caps)

Spring has sprung, and well, spring rocks.  I am finding joy in the most surprising places, and also, just kinda letting myself love everything, which is pretty great.  This morning, I was thinking about how much stress people cause for themselves trying to BE something.  BE whatever it is that you are.  Because we decide somewhere along the line that certain things are more important than other things (and this can be as mundane as your freakin' hair colour!  C'mon people!) we are constantly afraid that we're not measuring up, or that our achievements fall short.  Or that our failures should be embarrassing to us.  But guess what?  When you stop caring about all that - it really doesn't matter anymore and you're kinda always happy.  I remember being a super nerdy straight-A student, and almost being destroyed by getting a B (CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?) on a test once.  Honestly, I didn't want to answer when people asked me what I got.  I prepped myself for the inevitable, "Are you serious?" responses and the elation in others at my failure.. what a huge unnecessary stress I put on my own self.  If I'd just embraced the B, and didn't try to hide it, or change it, or make some excuse for it, I would've been just fine.  And so that's how I am about everything now.  It took a long time to get that way.  But secrets will kind of destroy you.  (Unless you're contractually bound, then technically it's not really your secret and it's temporary anyways.)  So after years of trying to figure that out, I think I finally have, for the most part.  Sometimes, I screw up.  But I OWN that.  So I encourage you to embrace every moment, hide none of them, and as they say - the truth will set you free.  So cool.  Cool cool cool.

And in that spirit, I am embracing the fact that this blog is lame and hasn't had a post in forever, just as I predicted.  I'm not ashamed or embarrassed or even anything, just writing one now and you know what?

I told ya so.