I Still Believe...

And now, here I am, watching the wedding of Will & Kate, and catching up on my blog. It seems appropriate. I hadn't planned to watch the wedding at all. In fact, I'm exhausted. It's been a long day. My little dog is not well - probably not going to recover - so it's been a trying and tiring day, emotionally. I was sitting here, worried, fretting, looking for some sort of distraction, and naturally, the TV led me to the wedding.

I am a hopeless romantic. You'd think that I might have a bitterness in me towards romance, but I don't. I love it. I am much more cautious, but I still believe. I think fairytales exist, and should exist, and fairytale romances can be real if both partners want them to be. We create our reality, right?

When Kylie was 1 year old, and I had relaxed a little emotionally, I started to seriously think about trying to date again. I sincerely want a home and family of my own, and more children - and would gladly sacrifice all other things for that.

Fate is amazing. It led my boyfriend and me to each other. Is that ridiculously romantic? Everything happens for a reason, even the stuff we think is terrible at the time. I have no regrets, and I have no ill feeling at all towards my ex. Sure, I was angry at the time, but not anymore. Everyone has their own path to take, ours crossed for a moment, and then when it was time, our paths continued in different directions. And then my path crossed someone else's.

My fiance and I come from similar relationship backgrounds. He, too, is divorced, and for the same reasons. We have trust issues. But we also understand each other when that happens. And things are looking up - the trust is growing all the time. Kylie adores him, and he adores her. We struggle. We work through and we heal each other. We are complete opposites, which means we help balance each other, and we also drive each other nuts sometimes. But we understand this, and we sincerely want to be better people and support each other. We make each other laugh. We pick each other up, and we hold each other's hands.

Fairytales are amazing. They are filled with romance and "Happily Ever Afters", but they are not without conflict. A princess who is almost murdered by her step-mother for her beauty, a step-mother who makes a slave of her step-daughter, a girl locked in a tower by a witch as revenge against her parents, and a sleeping spell cast on a princess by a jealous fairy... just to mention a few. Besides teaching us that there is a "Happily Ever After" (which I'm not bitter or smart enough yet to give up on), I think they teach us that we don't struggle alone or for naught: that everyone has a challenge to get through before they are rewarded with contentment, even princesses. And that it may take a while to get there, but it does come, and not without effort. I dunno. It's late and I'm exhausted. I hope it's true. It would be terrible if you struggled for nothing. And you can't be happy unless you let yourself be happy. If you're always frustrated, angry, upset or sad, what kind of person do you think you might be? So choose to be happy. And I choose to still believe in fairytales. So there.

Barbie.

As a kid, I had one favourite toy. Barbies. I played with them until I was 14. I'm not ashamed to admit that. In fact, part of the reason I love the Sims games so much is because they remind me of playing Barbies. I actually describe them as "Barbies for adults". Oh, and I still play the Sims.

I had a lot of Barbies. I kept them all, too, for my future daughter (who knew I'd have a daughter?), and my dad moved them into his shed when I turned 30. I can't imagine why. He and my brother's godfather built me the most amazing Barbie house when I was a kid that occupied most of the space in my room. It was huge... and AWESOME! Unfortunately, it was also brown. My mom informed these two guys that although brown was a great colour for a real house, it wasn't really that great for a little girl's dollhouse, so they repainted it fire engine red (since that was the only "girl" colour that could cover the dark brown). My friends from that time STILL ask me if I have that house when we reconnect. We spent a lot of hours sitting in front of it. I would even decorate it with mini Christmas lights and cotton ball snow ever winter. And I had mini jack o'lanterns... oh, the memories!

Unfortunately, we found out that squirrels and raccoons really like Barbies too, especially when they are in sheds. My beautiful Barbie house and all my toys were unceremoniously chewed up and are no more. But I'm sure that house made a great squirrel or raccoon house too. Why not? My cat used to sleep in it. She'd pull the Barbies out of the beds by their feet and sleep in the Barbie beds in the dollhouse. I wish I had a picture of that. I'm still sad that I don't get to pass on all of my Barbie collection to Kylie, but I've been "re-collecting" it from craigslist and my sister-in-law has some pieces too, so it's rebuilding.

In any case, I got a call one day from my voice over agent saying that I had an audition for the voice of Barbie. It was pretty exciting! And it was only the first of many. I auditioned, and auditioned and auditioned... I read with different people, I got lots of direction and feedback and I tried to give them what they wanted. Then they saw more people for Barbie, and I pretty much figured it had moved on. And then I got another call, did some MORE reads for it, got more notes and feedback, and waited to hear. It was down to 2 people and it was also one day before the official recording start date and I still hadn't heard anything. I got the call later that afternoon that I had booked the job. How exciting - and how terrifying! I was going to get to record a Barbie movie! And I started tomorrow!

What a thrill. Since then, I've been privileged to record a lot of things for Barbie and it is quite possibly my favourite thing yet. And it records here in Vancouver so I can be with my daughter. I got to take Kylie to a movie theatre and watch both "A Fashion Fairytale" and "A Fairy Secret" with my little girl in my arms. I've had so many lovely emails and letters and comments from Barbie fans. I've had one or two not so nice ones too, as I am the second Barbie voice (sadly, some people blame me for that, and also seem to think that I write the movies), but I just auditioned for a job and was lucky enough to book it. Thankfully, the nice people have far outnumbered the not - something for which I am grateful.

I've also done commercials, other cartoons, jingles and more session singing. Doing voice overs is a dream job for me - regular hours (not nights and weekends), time with my daughter and a way to support her, and lots of creative fun! What people may not know about voice over, especially cartoons, is that we do many, many takes, and although the "best" or "most appropriate" take usually is the one used, we do get to play too and try many versions of the same lines.

Plus, you can wear whatever you want and you don't need make-up.

Another Millie... and another Millie... and Broadway Edge.

So what now? It was going to be incredibly difficult to keep performing. Especially since I was now based in Vancouver again. Shows in Vancouver might work...

I had done some theatre in Vancouver before I left, so I had a lot of friends and acquaintances from my time then. I started to do local theatre.

I did Millie again at Theatre Under the Stars in Vancouver.

And I did it again in the role of Miss Dorothy at the Gateway Theatre.

I'd now played Meg in 3 different companies of Phantom, Eponine in 3 different companies of Les Miz, Millie in 2 different companies and Miss Dorothy in 2 other companies of Thoroughly Modern Millie. These shows were getting pretty familiar!

I was asked to do some teaching, and I did. It was amazingly what I needed for my creative side. I enjoyed it. I was inspired. My family and friends encouraged me to open my own studio for Musical Theatre. Before I knew it, through a very zig-zagged course, I had my own school: Broadway Edge Studio. My brother designed the logo. And it has been a learning process in so many ways, besides a teaching one, and continues to be one.

And I also called up my old agent from Vancouver and started doing voiceovers again. I did some commercials and a whole lot of auditions...

Starting Over. Les Miz & Millie again.

The brightest spot in my life was my 4 month old baby girl. She was my saviour in a lot of ways. Without her, I would've gone on in blissful ignorance. And without her, I might have completely collapsed. Because of her, I didn't have time to mourn. A good thing in some ways, a bad thing in others, but it forced me to keep moving at a time I could've stopped completely. She needed me.

I have to admit, I did get angry at first, and I did go a little bonkers. I wasn't totally with it. I started reaching out to people. I started hiding from the world. I switched between both ideas. I went through the stages of grief. Some of it was easy because I felt that the person I married never really existed. Some of it was difficult, because the person I married never really existed. There was a lot of confusion, and sleep-deprivation didn't help.

Every morning I woke up to a smiling face, and my instincts as a mom said to give her one back - so I did. We had fun. I made homemade baby food. We played games. I spoiled her ridiculously because I never wanted her to feel a lack of anything. I worried about her growing up. I felt part of me hurt inside when I read her stories about "mommy & daddy" or saw that on tv. I wondered what it would be like for her. I wished things were better for her. But things were great. She had Grandma and Grandpa and Mommy all together, and her Aunt and Uncle and all sorts of family and friends.

My friends are amazing. Again, I have the most amazing friends. They sent me so much love and support. And they shared their stories with me and their personal struggles, and a lot of them came from single parent homes and turned out to be the most wonderful people I knew, so I knew Kylie would be fine. She was clever and smart and growing and surrounded by love. Tonnes of love.

I threw myself into motherhood. And then sometimes I was incredibly alone. I felt abandoned, even with all my family and friends around me. I also pined for the dreams of family and home and contentment I had always wanted. They seemed impossible now.

As for work, I had no idea what to do. I couldn't imagine going back to New York with a 4 month old, finding a nanny, trying to get a job and doing it alone, with no savings to work with. My agents were very supportive - they kept submitting for me and I flew to New York and LA and auditioned for a few things, but none of it panned out. I wasn't very focused either. I wasn't sure how I would manage it if I actually DID land a job somewhere and had to make a new home with a baby by myself. I focused on Kylie mostly, and I'm glad I did. I made a decision to just be her mom.

When Kylie was just a year old, I was asked to do Les Miserables again in St. Louis with some of my old castmates. My mom agreed to come with me - and it was only for 3 weeks, so we did it. It felt good to perform. It felt good to earn a paycheque. But it felt strange to leave my little girl in a strange corporate apartment with my poor mom dragged along for the ride. Kylie is a great traveler and real adventurer, so she loved the trips. She adapted quickly, and as long as she had Mommy and Grandma, she was happy. And the Backyardigans.

Kylie in the Rehearsal Studio in St. Louis.

Shortly after that, I went down to San Diego to do Thoroughly Modern Millie at the Welk Theatre for 4 months. Mom came too. We drove down with Kylie and stayed at a Holiday Inn for 4 months with a 14 month old. We went to Disneyland a lot. Kylie had her first Halloween Trick or Treating experience in a hotel hallway, but she knew the fellow Millie cast members' doors she knocked on. She was spoiled rotten again.

Kylie's hotel home for 4 months.

I came back to Vancouver with a little bit of money in the bank again, and a more realistic picture of a performing career as a mom. Grandma wasn't going to come with me and become my live-in nanny. This was going to be very hard. I was going to have to find a new way to do this.

Home Again - and the Unraveling of Everything.

There were a lot of things that happened now. I was learning to be a mother. I was learning who this baby was that now depended on me. I was learning who my husband was.

Kylie was wonderful. Maybe I look back at it with rose-coloured glasses, but she was a pretty great baby. She was (IS!) high maintenance, but she was (IS!) good-tempered. Everything about taking care of her I loved.

Her pediatrician was running a lot of tests on her. His office was walking distance from my apartment, but he lost her blood tests (she needed blood tests?) and they had to be redone, and then he requested more. I was getting nervous. I switched to another pediatrician who confirmed what I had suspected. He liked to run tests for money. I longed for Canada and my family doctor.

My husband was American and I was Canadian with a work permit, but not a Green Card, so we applied when we got engaged. It was right after 9/11, so the process was extremely elongated and confused and nobody knew exactly what was going on with immigration. The name changed from the INS to The Department of Homeland Security, and I jumped through a lot of hoops. We finally received our "Green Card Appointment Notice" 4 years later for a week after Kylie was born at 7am. Pretty early! Thank goodness I had a baby.

A Green Card Appointment is where a married couple is interviewed by someone at the INS/Dept. of HS to confirm the marriage is legit and not for immigration purposes. You have to bring in your bank statements that prove you have joint accounts, joint utility bills (who has joint utility bills?), and photos of your wedding and yourselves together in different casual settings to prove you actually are married. All of our finances were communal.

The night before our Green Card Appointment, my husband didn't come home from work. I knew he had a recruiting event, so I figured he'd be home around 9pm. He didn't show up until 4am actually, and he was drunk. I was confused. He wasn't a drinker. It was very strange behaviour, especially since my mom was still with us helping out. He immediately started going through files to get our paperwork together, and didn't have much to say about where he had been except that "everyone wanted to buy me a drink to celebrate my new daughter's birth." Weird.

We went to the appointment and he reeked of liquor. I was totally confused and kind of upset. Anyway, we did the interview and a few weeks later I got my green card. I guess a slightly tiffed couple is more realistic than a lovey-dovey one after 7 years. Ha!

Stranger things happened, and if I ever write a real memoir, it will have a lot more detail than this blog, but one day he came home and said we should move back to Vancouver as soon as we can. I was surprised. We had a lease, he had a job, we had a new baby - but he went ahead and gave notice and arranged for the apartment to go and told me to set about selling our furniture on craigslist. I did. We packed up and got our plane tickets and it all seemed very surreal and very quick. My husband was planning to come back to Vancouver with us this first time, but he couldn't leave work that soon (again, why are we moving right now?), so he was going to return, work another month and then finally join us for good after that. I was totally confused. But I was also sleep-deprived and taking care of a 1 month old baby.

Around this same time, there was the shoe bomber - remember him? So two days before we were supposed to fly out, the new security measures went into effect. No liquids. No anything. We were moving back to Vancouver with a baby, 2 dogs, 2 cats and all of our things and this was looking pretty difficult. Thankfully, the airline understood, refunded us our tickets and we rented a car.

The drive was awkward and silent. There was something wrong and very strange. I remember driving through Chicago and I can still picture the high rise building I was looking at when he told me, very casually, as if he had already told me, that he'd be coming back to Vancouver in 3 months, at the end of the year. Now I was starting to get angry. I asked him why he didn't tell me that before we left, and why we were moving if he wasn't coming for another 3 months? Didn't he want to see his baby growing up? He was going to miss all of her infanthood. We could've just stayed in New York until he was finished with work. He just stuck to his guns and told me that this was better because he could get a cheap place to stay and bank all the rest of his salary for the transition to Vancouver. It all seemed very odd.

We got to Vancouver, and I was so happy to see my parents and my home! We had what was packed into the car, and my husband was going to go back to NYC and pack up the rest of the furniture and baby gear into a POD which would come to my parents' place in the next month. It was the first week of August, and Kylie was 2 months old. He stayed a week and went back to New York.

I started to get emails from him about staying another year in New York. They were offering him all kinds of benefits and bonuses if he would stay. I told him that Kylie & I should move back there then, and he always refused, saying he could bank more money for us this way and we should stay with my parents. I worried about him missing the first year of his daughter's life. He promised to fly back once a month. It just wasn't right.

I loved being home though. There was grass, and parks. Vancouver in August is fantastic - the weather is gorgeous, the food is amazing, and it was BBQs and reunions and family and comfort. My friends and family threw me a baby shower. I love Kylie's face in this picture - she is really unimpressed by the hat. At 2 months old, she already had personality galore. Kylie was doing well and my family doctor was her doctor now. Things were great - except that we didn't have the 3rd member of our family with us.

He didn't come to visit again until October. And this time, I could tell something was very wrong. He dropped the bomb then. "I'm not in love with you anymore." He went on to tell me that he had met a bartender and he was confused because he wanted to follow through on it. He asked for permission to date other people. I was shell-shocked. And then he was gone, back to New York, without much explanation except that he was confused.

The POD had arrived with our things in it - including our files - so I started to look through them. There were strange charges on the bills, there were phone calls to numbers all over the US, 1-800 numbers and all sorts of strange activity. And then, after some help from friends, conversations with people and conversations with him, it all came to light.

He had been having affairs for quite some time. He was a member of dating services, various other services and the homebody husband that I knew had spent a lot of money at nightclubs, bars, jewelry stores and other establishments. All the time that I had been working on weekends and from 6-12am, he had been partying. All the money was gone from the bank accounts. It was over. And everything was gone.

Almost overnight I went from being a successful actress on Broadway to an unemployed, broke, single-mom living with her parents. Awesome.